Wednesday, February 4, 2009

You know you love me....

Yo yo yo. So I know you are all eargerly awaiting the next shitshow date story, but I have no dates scheduled for this week. I have a life outside of match, ya know. ;) I have been emailing a bunch of dudes, however, and will have dates coming up the following few weeks. After fielding a crapload of emails and enduring some pretty hideous dates, I've come up with a list of DON'Ts for all men out there. Ladies, tell me if you agree:

List of Don'ts (Please, God, DON'T):
1. Don't call me "cutie." I don't know why but I really freaking hate it. Someone just called me "cutie patootie." That calls for an immediate bitchslap.
2. Don't ever say "Heeeey yooou" when I answer the phone. The gayer the sing-song voice you use, the harder I'm going to kick you in the shin.
3. Don't ever ask "So.. you're cute.. why are you single?" It insinuates there must be something wrong with me, when in actuality, there is something wrong with you and the rest of your "kind" that I've been stuck dating.
4. If I don't respond to at least 3 of your calls/texts/emails, it most likely (100%) means I don't like you and am not interested. Please do not send me texts and emails asking why I haven't responded and asking if I'm interested or not. I'm the girl in this scenario, not you.
5. In continuation with above tip, don't ask me if you should delete my number from your phone. If you are even asking yourself that in the first place, then you should know you effed up somewhere along the line and it's done. Pleeeeeease delete my number.. CTRL+ALT+DLT that shit!!! Rapido, rapido!
6. On dates, do not ever flirt with other girls in front of me. It's not funny nor does it make you look so awesome, hot and wanted. It makes me wanna dry heave.
7. For the love of God, get off your phone and stop texting on a date, especially the first date. That's what bathroom breaks are for! I know you may be completely obsessed with your new iPhone and the million and one apps you can get for it, blah blah blah, but when I have to watch you look at it every 10 minutes like an obsessive freak, it makes me rage. Put. It. Away.
8. Here's a pretty simple rule concerning touching me on a first date: if I've made some contact first, like touching your arm or leg while telling a story or laughing or leaning close to you, you have full permission to touch me back. If I have not done any of the above, unwanted squeezing of my thigh, back rubs, hand holding and attempts to kiss/make out with me with completely backfire. Back it up, toots.
9. Don't end a first date by asking me to go home with you. I mean, really. Seriously. It's a big bright red flag that you haven't gotten laid in many many months (possibly years) and if I were absolutely stupid enough to go home with you, I would most likely get jackhammered for approximately 0.3 seconds. I'd rather go home, eat a couple bowls of cereal and watch Scrubs.
10. In continuation with the above tip, don't ever ask me to go home with you especially if you live in the burbs. That is 100% completely and utterly NOT OKAY.
11. Spare me the Hallmark card crap.. some guy wrote me this, in an email titled "Encounter with an Angel": If you held 11 roses up to the mirror, you'd be looking at 12 of the most beautiful things in the world. For the love of all things holy... NO.


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