Saturday, February 21, 2009

I don't wanna smell what The Chef is cookin'...

So I thought I'd send an update about The Chef, since I know he had a few fans out there. A day after our date, I get an email expressing he had a great time, etc. I write back that I also had a great time and we should do it again. The next day, I get an email from him talking about our chemistry on the date and what did I think about it, what was my feedback on it and what are my honest opinions about it, b/c he thinks we had a little chemistry, not the whole lot but just a little b/c I only opened up to him later on in the date, but it's something he definitely wants to explore more, so could I let him know what I thought about it. I reread it like 5 times, thinking "what the heck?" Didn't I just tell him the day before that I wanted to see him again? So I just wrote back that I was interested in hanging out again. But I was semi-annoyed. I've never had a guy want to dissect our first date.. and now that I had, I wasn't really into it. It's too early for over-analyzation. That should come later and that's usually my job. ha. I understand he was maybe doing it to make sure my intentions really were to hang out again, but why don't you just try making plans for a second date? lol. So then we started trying to plan a second date. He suggests renting a movie.. and offers to lend a hand as I cook dinner for him. Um....wait, what? What if I don't want to cook for you yet? And a home date? Already? I dunno about you guys, but I'm a little weird about home dates. I'm just not really cool having a guy over and/or cooking for him if I'm not sure about him yet. If I'm shmoopie about him, I'll totally be grilling him steak and expecting a fabulous MO session! My first date with The Chef went well, but we didn't even kiss at the end. And actually, I found myself not even thinking about him afterwards nor did I get excited to see emails from him. The more emails I got, the more not-excited I got. Not a good sign. So, I got annoyed again about the home date suggestion and the expectation that I needed to cook for him. I reluctantly emailed back saying he could come over and I guess I would whip something up to eat. Well... then I get an email back, saying he has a revised pasta dish he wants me to make and well, if I didn't mind, he'd just come up with the menu himself b/c well he's just got all these food restrictions b/c he's on an elimination detox diet the next 3 weeks for inflamation (he's training for the Ironman.) Great. How about this-why don't you just cook it yourself?? At your own damn house. Was he really going to try and feed an Italian a "revised pasta dish"? I like my carbs. Correction. I LOVE my carbs. Don't eff with them. Sir. This elevated my annoyance level to the point where I grinded my teeth while rereading his email. I actually even began to question myself, thinking I was just being a big scaredy cat and was talking myself out of liking this guy, etc. But it was confirmed by several guy friends that I wasn't being retarded, he just quite possibly is kind of a tool. So I'm breaking plans with him. Sayonara, Chef Boyardee.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Will you be my Valentine?

Happy belated Valentine's Day, people. Hope it was spent well. My weekend consisted of 2 dates and my actual VDay was spent condo shopping and falling in condo-love with one place. Both dates actually went well, too, which is a big shocker! Here's the scoop-

Date #1 was Friday with the Chef and it was all a surprise for me. All I knew was that we were going to be outside at one point so I knew to dress casual and warm and then he had asked me if I liked chocolate and had a nut allergy. LOL! Needless to say, I was intrigued and couldn't wait to find out what we were doing. It was a day date, so he picked me up at 3 and we went down to the lakefront, walked around a little by the planetarium and then sat and talked while drinking some tea he brought and gazing at the gorgeous skyline of the city. Then after getting too cold, we went to his kitchen (he owns his own business and we had his whole kitchen to ourselves.) There, we made vegan chocolate truffles! So so so so good. While they were chilling in the fridge so we could fancy them up later with toppings, he put me to work dicing up veggies and then he made steak stir fry with rice noodles for dinner. There's just something about seeing a cute guy cook really well.... :) As we were sitting there at the work table in the kitchen, eating dinner and having a few beers, I felt like I was in a scene of the movie No Reservations. It was AWESOME. Plus, he was way cool and funny, which I got a hint of through emails..and the best part-he wasn't creepy. Not one bit!!! He also had gotten me a little Vday gift, which just consisted of items we had joked about in our emails. It was probably one of the most unique dates I've ever had. :) I'll be seeing him again, fo sho.

Date #2 was Sunday with River North dude and we just went out for drinks and apps. I was a little concerned about this one because his emails seemed ultra proper and polite, which is fine, but he didn't crack jokes or say anything silly, whereas I totally did... so I was scared he wasn't going to be any fun. But, I'm so glad I went and met him, because not only was he way cute but he WAS fun! He had me totally entertained with his stories but also asked a lot of questions about me. He asked if I wanted to hang out again, so I'll probably be seeing him again too.

So there you have it.. the non-creepy guys finally emerged! I was wondering if they were really real or just a myth. I've got a couple more guys to meet eventually, so stay tuned....

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Bitter is the new Black?

I need to stop laughing long enough to blog about this text message I just got.

Ok... I think I've composed myself enough. So, everyone remembers creepy date #2, right? I'll refresh your memory: 33 year old, just moved to Schaumburg, decent looking guy, our date started off good but took a nose dive pretty early on and continued to suck until I all but ran outta there later? He also: gave me a creepy back rub, would not stop molesting my thigh, kept leaning all over me, kept violating my personal space by trying to kiss/make out with me, kept flirting with the bartender, wanting to take her vegetarian ass out for freaking omelettes, kept staring at girls walking past our table, bet me that if I didn't answer his trivia question, I'd have to make out with him, telling me that along with he was also on and the best of it all-kept repeatedly asking me to go home with him.. to SCHAUMBURG. Yech. I get the heeby jeebies just thinking about this date......

Well, anyways.. He's been non-stop texting me, stupid stuff like "are you not interested" and "what are you doing tonight" and "are you not interested" and "did you not have fun on our date" and "are you not interested", etc. As if the barage of stalker texts wasn't enough, he even called me once. I have not made any attempt at returning any of these calls or texts and I had even flat out told him if I'm not interested in a guy, I just will not return any of his messages. After 2 unanswered text messages after a date, I'm sorry, you gotta swallow your pride and bow out gracefully. So anyways, I couldn't have laid it all out any simpler for him, like this a CLEAR sign I'm not interested..... so after seriously 5 texts came and went unanswered, he sends this precious little diddy tonight:

"Ur not all that. U gained weight from your photos sweetheart. That's why I left early."

Bitter much? LOL. So, Creepy McGee, did you think this before or after you pleaded with me to go home with you to Schaumburg. Or repeatedly asked me to go on vacation with you to Arizona for our 5th date. Or do the rest of the creepy things you did all night that made me want to vomit on myself? Are you crying? Awww.. Do you want me to come hold you? Buck up, camper! Shit... I didn't like you, b/c DUH, you were hot creepy mess, and no one blames me one GD bit for not liking you. So why don't you go run to IKEA which is like right next door to your suburban little condo and go buy yourself a nice shag carpet to cry into and spare me the junoir high girl text messages. I mean, it's funny and all, I got a kick out of it, but really, it's just darn pathetic on your part.

I'm gonna go binge on roughly 10,000 calories so I can fake out more guys with my "skinny pictures"...lmao. Stupid....

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

You know you love me....

Yo yo yo. So I know you are all eargerly awaiting the next shitshow date story, but I have no dates scheduled for this week. I have a life outside of match, ya know. ;) I have been emailing a bunch of dudes, however, and will have dates coming up the following few weeks. After fielding a crapload of emails and enduring some pretty hideous dates, I've come up with a list of DON'Ts for all men out there. Ladies, tell me if you agree:

List of Don'ts (Please, God, DON'T):
1. Don't call me "cutie." I don't know why but I really freaking hate it. Someone just called me "cutie patootie." That calls for an immediate bitchslap.
2. Don't ever say "Heeeey yooou" when I answer the phone. The gayer the sing-song voice you use, the harder I'm going to kick you in the shin.
3. Don't ever ask "So.. you're cute.. why are you single?" It insinuates there must be something wrong with me, when in actuality, there is something wrong with you and the rest of your "kind" that I've been stuck dating.
4. If I don't respond to at least 3 of your calls/texts/emails, it most likely (100%) means I don't like you and am not interested. Please do not send me texts and emails asking why I haven't responded and asking if I'm interested or not. I'm the girl in this scenario, not you.
5. In continuation with above tip, don't ask me if you should delete my number from your phone. If you are even asking yourself that in the first place, then you should know you effed up somewhere along the line and it's done. Pleeeeeease delete my number.. CTRL+ALT+DLT that shit!!! Rapido, rapido!
6. On dates, do not ever flirt with other girls in front of me. It's not funny nor does it make you look so awesome, hot and wanted. It makes me wanna dry heave.
7. For the love of God, get off your phone and stop texting on a date, especially the first date. That's what bathroom breaks are for! I know you may be completely obsessed with your new iPhone and the million and one apps you can get for it, blah blah blah, but when I have to watch you look at it every 10 minutes like an obsessive freak, it makes me rage. Put. It. Away.
8. Here's a pretty simple rule concerning touching me on a first date: if I've made some contact first, like touching your arm or leg while telling a story or laughing or leaning close to you, you have full permission to touch me back. If I have not done any of the above, unwanted squeezing of my thigh, back rubs, hand holding and attempts to kiss/make out with me with completely backfire. Back it up, toots.
9. Don't end a first date by asking me to go home with you. I mean, really. Seriously. It's a big bright red flag that you haven't gotten laid in many many months (possibly years) and if I were absolutely stupid enough to go home with you, I would most likely get jackhammered for approximately 0.3 seconds. I'd rather go home, eat a couple bowls of cereal and watch Scrubs.
10. In continuation with the above tip, don't ever ask me to go home with you especially if you live in the burbs. That is 100% completely and utterly NOT OKAY.
11. Spare me the Hallmark card crap.. some guy wrote me this, in an email titled "Encounter with an Angel": If you held 11 roses up to the mirror, you'd be looking at 12 of the most beautiful things in the world. For the love of all things holy... NO.


Sunday, February 1, 2009


On my drive home tonight, the car next to me honked at me while we were waiting at a red light. They were driving like they might of been lost, so I rolled down my window to see what they needed. It ended up being two inebriated guys, their combined age probably less than 40, and the passenger seat guy asks if I have a lighter. I see this is way not what I thought it was, said no and started rolling up n my window.. but definitely not fast enough, because then I heard them ask "You want a piece?" Why do I always attract the population of guys who, if I ruled the world, wouldn't be allowed to procreate? *Goes to hide under her covers with her dog*